Taylor’s second day of being awake from the coma was a day of regaining strength. With the doctor’s permission he began to make trips down the hallway to regain his balance and to stay on his feet. It was during these trips that he began to sneak food that wasn’t doctor approved yet, but he claimed he was starving and Zac was an easy accomplice.

It was also a day of visitors as a parade of people made it through to his room. Phil and Eddie stopped by, as did his co-stars on the movie set. Christopher, their agent flew in and spent the afternoon with him. Stephen Spielberg and his wife Kate Cashew stopped by to visit Taylor. Mackie made a leap into Kate’s arms. Taylor had to admit to himself that he was a little envious. He’d always had crush on her from the first time he’d seen her in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. 

There were a lot of people to thank too. Nancy stopped by as did Jenny and her brother Shawn. Zac was very impressed by Shawn, because he said, Shawn had the awesome skill of chugging a whole 2-litter of soda without taking a breather. Ike also seemed impressed by the unkempt computer geek and he explained to Taylor how Shawn had used his computer skills to help them find clues that helped them find him. Ike also told Shawn that he had not informed the FBI of his involvement and since the agency had stopped asking questions he didn’t see any reason to bring it up.

Between visitors and phone calls, Taylor was forced to rest but he was ready to end his hospital stay. After his second visit for day, his doctor agreed. He asked that Taylor spend one more night under hospital observation and promised he would release him the next morning if all the test results were conducive to his release. Taylor had one more requirement to fulfill before the hospital would release him. Because of the circumstances of his ordeal, the medical team thought a psychological evaluation was necessary to evaluate his mental well being.

Taylor protested but after talking to his parents he reluctantly agreed. It was a condition to his release. 

He was wheeled upstairs to the psychiatric ward to talk to a psychiatrist while his parents waited anxiously outside the office in a waiting room.

Taylor was nervous but he answered the questions truthfully if somewhat vaguely. It was hard to answer questions when you had little or no memory of what happened. Finally after a half hour session the psychiatrist asked Taylor to wait in the waiting room while she talked to his parents.

Walker and Diana didn’t know what to expect from the doctor.

"Is Taylor all right?" Diana asked with worry in her voice.

"Taylor seems fine but his lack of memory is a worrisome. From these reports he actually remembered more on his first day out of the coma than he does now. Sometimes patients can block out traumatic events. At this time, that’s what Taylor is doing. Either consciously, or unconsciously he doesn’t want to face what happened to him."

"Will he ever remember?" Walker asked.

"Probably. In most cases the memories do return," the doctor admitted. "Sometimes patients can block memories for years even with constant therapy. In some cases they return in just a few days. Sometimes memories come back in bits and pieces and that can be very confusing. Post traumatic symptoms of terrifying events can be as bad as the experience itself. The pain, the horror, the fear he experienced may come back. If it does it may be terrifying. Watch for changes in behavior patterns, short temper, acting out. If he starts behaving abnormally in any way you should seek professional help. I can give you a list of professionals."

Walker and Diana left the office with the sobering thought that the kidnapping wasn’t completely over yet. They had thought that if they got their son back, they could return to their happy day-to-day existence without any reminders. That wasn’t to be according to the doctors. Taylor would never be the same carefree, unaffected child that he’d been before. He would recover, but in some ways he would always be affected by what happened to him.

With a new insight Taylor’s parents watched their son with an edge of apprehensive worry that hadn’t been there before.

Taylor was unaware of his parents worry. The doctor had assured him that his memories might come back but he wasn’t too worried about it. His immediate concern was getting out of the hospital. Taylor’s family had him packed and ready to leave. The waiting game began, because his primary doctor was delayed with another patient. It was midday before he finally made his way to the anxiously awaiting family.

Once the papers were signed it was another half hour before a nurse finally showed up to wheel Taylor out of the hospital. It was a safety rule, one which Taylor thought was stupid because it had been the nurses main goal to get him back on his feet and walking around as soon as possible. He was free of all the needles and apparatus’s and now he wanted to be free of the sterile environment and constant interruptions and lack of privacy. He wanted to go home.

When the nurse finally arrived and said he could leave, Taylor let out of whoop of excitement and kissed her. He grabbed Zoe, plopped her down on his knee and let himself be wheeled out of the hospital without protests. The family followed, Ike was carrying his bag and everyone else was carrying flowers and looking pleased.

Walker jogged ahead to get the van out of the parking lot. The family was flanked by two security officers from the hospital. The presence of the brown uniformed security men didn’t stop the reporters. There were only a couple, but they surrounded them as soon as the family reached the pickup area. The family recognized some of them as they were some of the same reporters that seemed to always appear whenever Hanson made an appearance.

"Taylor how are you feeling?" one of the reporters asked.

"A lot better," Taylor answered with a wide grin.

"Taylor were you really in for a ruptured appendix? What about the rumors that you were kidnapped?"

Taylor looked shocked for a second and Ike moved forward as if to shield him, but Taylor laughed.

"John, I thought you worked for the LA Times," Taylor exclaimed. "That, sounds more like the kind of outrageous story the London Globe would print."

The reporter actually looked chagrined at the idea that his story line could be compared to one of the worst tabloids on Fleet Street.

"Will you show us your scar?" a younger reporter asked.

"Not likely," Taylor quipped. "It’s a little low in areas that I’d like to keep private."

"Will you be going home to Tulsa to recuperate or are you going to finish the movie Silent Lies?"

"Ouch, you found out about that, did you," Taylor smiled. "I don’t know yet. We haven’t discussed it."

Walker pulled up with the van and the reporters backed off. It was common knowledge among the reporters how protective he was around his family and they had to respect it even if it was annoying to them.

"Dad! Pull through the Wendy’s. I’m hungry!" Taylor pleaded as his father was driving them home.

"Me, too!" Zac seconded.

"Wouldn’t you rather wait until we get home and I can fix you a good meal?" Diana asked.

"I swear I’ll eat anything you put in front of me, but I want fast food, please?" Taylor pleaded.

"Please!" Zac seconded.

Walker pulled into the fast food drive through and waited his turn behind a line of cars as Zac proceeded to call out his order for practically everything on the menu. Walker ignored most of his requests and ordered eight orders of cheeseburgers, fries and drinks in varying sizes. As part of a large family, everyone was used to his dictatorial ways. It was the only way to prevent major arguments among the siblings. Diana passed out the food as Walker continued driving homeward. In a matter of seconds the van smelled of grease and strong onions and mustard but it smelled like heaven to the kids.

Taylor ate slowly, enjoying every bite. He was allowed to eat normally now and it was a huge improvement over the bland hospital food.

Everyone in the family was relieved to finally arrive home. Zac took off to this own room for the first time in days. He stripped off and took a very long shower and planned to take a long nap in his own bed. First though, he detoured into Taylor’s room and disappeared into the walk-in closet. Taking the black magic marker he added two words to the list of words he’d written in the corner of the chart that really didn’t have a heading. He added, ‘Trust Zac’. Then he went into his room and made a flying dive onto his bed.

Taylor had to sit down and listen to a whole list of ‘don’t do’s’ from his parents. He was basically under house arrest for another week for him to rest and recuperate. At first he resented that his parents wanted to treat him like an invalid but within a couple of hours he realized he didn’t have his normal strength back. Taylor woke up on the couch in the family room and he realized he’d fallen asleep in front of the television. Mac and Avie with whom, he’d been watching were gone so he flipped the movie off and climbed the stairs to his room. He flopped across his bed and was sound asleep again in a matter of seconds.

Taylor woke up a second time to a thumping sound and he realized his father was setting down a can of paint.

"Hey Dad, what’ca doing?"

Walker looked up surprised. "Sorry, I thought you were downstairs asleep. I was going to paint over Mac’s artwork and the chart in your closet."

Taylor joined his father and he opened the closet and looked at the chart of clues for the first time. He was filled with a strange sense of dread and at the same time he felt pride for his brothers as he read the notes and clues on the chart.

"Don’t paint over the chart, Dad," Taylor requested. "You can cover up Mackie’s pictures but leave the closet alone."

"Are you sure?" Walker asked. "It’s a constant reminder."

Taylor looked over the words and nodded his head. "Yeah, I’m sure. Dad how come the FBI didn’t think I was kidnapped?"

Walker pried open the can of paint and put the lid down on a piece of newspaper. "I think Agent Curtis was influenced by some false ideas. He’s been working Hollywood too long. I guess he’s seen too many cases where people just wanted their names in the news and would do anything for publicity."

"But you didn’t allow it to be publicized."

"I know," Walker shook his head and handed his son the paintbrush. "I’m just sorry it took me so long to catch on to the fact that he wasn’t really doing his job. If Ike and Zac hadn’t been working on tracking you down I don’t know what would have happened."

"Don’t even think about it," Taylor suggested catching the tremor in his father's voice. "I’m home and I’m hungry again."

Walker chuckled and pulled his son to him for a hug. "If you paint, I’ll go round up some sandwiches. Your Mom’s taking a nap and I think it’s the first real sleep she’s had in days."

"I’m sorry, Dad."

"Tay, quit apologizing for something that wasn’t your fault. Deep in her heart your mother knew she belonged right beside you. She loved being with you."

"Right, Dad," Taylor scoffed and he pointed his father towards the door of his room. "Food," he said as a reminder.

As he watched his fathers retreating figure, Taylor looked down to the paint brush in his hand. He dipped it into the paint can and began the job of repainting the door.

Taylor first couple of days were spent resting and trying to hide from the watchful eyes of his parents. Every day he felt stronger and he returned more to his normal activities including school. 

He was taken back to the doctor and re-examined and he was given a clean bill of health provided he regained the nine pounds he’d lost. He was eating and taking vitamin supplements so the doctor and his parents were pleased with his progress.

Taylor was getting antsy and so was Ike and Zac. He was very aware that his whole family was watching him. He could understand it, but it made him uncomfortable. He felt that they were waiting for him to make some kind of confession or something. To explain to them what had happened while he’d been gone. But, he couldn’t, because he couldn’t remember. He tried, but it just wouldn’t come.

On his fifth day home, a family meeting was called. They assembled in the family room. Taylor sat on the floor with his back against the couch because that was his favorite place and Mackie squeezed in beside him looking up with a smile.

"What’s up Dad?" Zac said blurting out the question that all his sibling were wondering.

"Well, we were wondering what you guys would think about heading back home," Walker asked.

Jessica and Avery cheered.

Ike and Taylor exchanged glances.

"Dad, what about our commitments here," Ike asked.

"We were planning on taking a break anyway," Walker explained. "We just thought we’d move it up a couple of weeks."

"Because of me," Taylor said quietly.

"Because the timing is right," Diana said.

Taylor shook his head. "No, the timing isn’t right. We’ve got two more songs to go to finish the demo’s on the album and I’ve got at least four more days of shooting to complete before the movie will be a wrap."

"You are not returning to that studio!" Diana snapped.

"I have too!" Taylor objected. "We’re only a couple of days from finishing."

"You are not going back!" Diana repeated clearly upset.

"Mom, you’re being irrational," Taylor exclaimed his own voice raising. "What am I supposed to do? Shut down a twenty-five million dollar movie project because my mother won’t let me finish it?"

"Enough!" Walker interrupted sternly.

Taylor looked around and realized that all his brothers and sisters were staring at him with a mixture of shock and disapproval.

"Sorry," he mumbled and he bolted from the room and ran up the stairs.

"Well, I guess the family meeting is postponed for now," Walker exclaimed addressing his children. Then he turned and addressed his wife. "Honey, we need to talk."

* * * *

"Tay? Are you in here?"

Walkers voice brought Taylor’s head up from where he had it resting against the sideboards of the house.

"Out here,"

Walker popped his head out the window to find his son sitting on the roof, in a flat area that formed a false balcony on the second floor. "Well, come back in," he ordered. "I’m not sure how safe it is out here."

Taylor crawled back in through the window. "I’m sorry, Dad."

"Don’t tell me that," Walker said sternly. "You owe your mother an apology, not me. Not because what you said was wrong but, because you do not, under any circumstances, raise your voice to your mother. Is that understood?"

Taylor nodded, his eyes focused somewhere on the floor. "Yes sir,"

Walker waited for his son’s agreement then he nodded and forged ahead. "I talked to your Mom, got her calmed down somewhat. She still doesn’t want you going back to the studio but she knows you have to fulfill your contract. I also promised her, I’d be there with you the whole time. Your Mom needs someone or something to blame for what happened. She’s focusing all those bad feeling towards the studio."

"That’s irrational," Taylor repeated a little more cautiously.

"Probably," Walker agreed and shrugged. "Get used to it now, women do not always think or act rationally, especially when it comes to protecting their children."

Taylor choose to ignore the last remark. "What about the songs we owe?" 

"The songs are written, you guys just have to record the demos," Walker said. "I figure a week a piece, you can probably tighten that up if you had too. I’ll call Phil Montrose and see what he can do about re-scheduling. I know they’re anxious to finish it, but you need another week or so of rest."

"Dad, I’m ready now!" Taylor exclaimed. "The sooner we finish, the sooner we’ll be able to take a break and go home."

"When the doctor gave you a clean bill of health, I don’t think he was referring to your returning to work. I’ll call him and if he agrees with it, I’ll go along with it." Walker agreed.

"Thanks, Dad. I just want to get finished so we can go home. I know the little kids want to go back."

"I think we all need a little time at home," Walker said.

Taylor worked on his nerve for a few minutes and then he returned down stairs to face his mother. He noticed that everyone seemed to have magically disappeared.

Diana was sitting on the couch bouncing Zoe in her lap.

Taylor sat down beside his mother. "Mom, I’m sorry I yelled at you."

"I know, honey," Diana said softly.

"You want to smack me?"

Diana chuckled. "No, I got past that impulse about twenty minutes ago." She pulled her son in close and kissed him on the cheek. "I just want to keep you safe."

Taylor leaned into this mother. "I don’t mean to hurt you. You know, I don’t know if I’ve told you this, but I’ve always thought you are pretty cool for a Mom. I know it must be hard to let go."

"Very nearly impossible," Diana said running her fingers through his hair lightly.

Taylor closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Honeysuckle and baby powder," he said.

"What?"

"That’s what you smell like," Taylor said. "That’s what I remember..." suddenly he stiffened and opened his eyes but he looked confused.

"What is it honey?" Diana asked concerned.

Taylor shook his head and leaned back and closed his eyes. "A memory, I think, but I couldn’t catch it. It came and went so fast in my mind."

"Don’t force it," Diana said softly. "The doctor said they’ll come back when you’re ready to deal with them."

"Kinda like that thing you say," Taylor questioned. "You know, that God will never give you more than you can handle?"

Diana smiled, "Exactly."

"Mom, I’m really strong. You don’t need to shelter me. I feel fine and I told Dad I was ready to go back to work," Taylor warned. "The sooner I get the movie completed the sooner we can take a break and go home. The studio is safe."

"I know," Diana deadpanned. "At least the rational part of me knows that. The irrational part of me wants to confine you to house arrest until you’re twenty-one!"

"Ouch!" Taylor mumbled. "Remind me not to get you really angry with me."

"I’m just not ready for my children to grow up!" Diana admitted. "First Ike, now you. I’m not ready for this so you are just have to slow down a little."

"I’m not sure that’s possible, but I’ll promise to slow down if you promise not to ground me."

"Nice try," Diana quipped with a chuckle. "But, I’ll never give up that prerogative."

* * * *

Zac opened his eyes and then he lay still for a second to try to figure out what had wakened him. Then he heard it again. It was a muffled cry and it was coming from his brother’s room. Jumping out of bed, Zac ran across his room and into Taylor’s to find him thrashing around in his bed and fighting his covers.

"Tay," Zac shook his brother’s shoulder slightly. Taylor jerked away from his touch but he opened his eyes and lay breathing heavily.

"Tay?" Zac repeated. "You were having a nightmare. Are you okay?"

Taylor focused on his younger brother and he nodded. ‘I guess so. I can’t remember. Whatever it was it scared to the crap out of me, but I can’t remember. It’s gone."

"You want me to go get Mom and Dad?" Zac asked.

"No," Taylor exclaimed in panic. "I’m okay. I think I just need some fresh air."

"You’re going for a walk at three am?" Zac questioned, his voice breaking with a squeak.

Taylor shook his head. "Nope, I’m going out on the roof." He opened his window and climbed out on the roof balcony. Zac followed him out the window and they sat side-by-side looking out over the Hollywood hills night lights. 

"This is cool," Zac exclaimed.

"Yeah, I like to watch the lights," Taylor admitted.

"There are no stars," Zac said looking upward at the sky.

"Not like back home," Taylor agreed. "I think it has something to do with the smog or pollution or something."

"Even without stars it’s cool," Zac admitted and the two brothers sat and watched the lights in near silence.

When Zac’s head began to nod, Taylor shook him awake and made him crawl back through the window and they returned to their beds.

Taylor solicited a promise from Zac not to report his nightmares to their parents. After all, he reasoned with his reluctant younger brother, it wasn’t like he could remember anything from the dreams. As soon as he woke up everything was a blank.

This was the first alliance of secrecy Taylor made with one of his sibling. The next was with Ike as he witnessed what Tay passed off as a ‘slight’ panic attack. They were down in the garage sounding out ideas for a song. Ike was at the piano and Taylor was lying on the weight bench pressing a light weight because of his healing collarbone. Mackie who was not allowed to play around the weight bench suddenly jumped up on his brother and added his own weight to the barbell. Mackie was laughing and pretending that he was stronger than his big brother. Normally, Taylor would have joined his laughter, but he was suddenly filled with a panic. The added force of Mackie’s weight meant he couldn’t get the barbell off his chest.

"Mac, get off!" he yelled and on the third panicked repeat, Ike lifted Mackie off him and set him on the floor.

"I got him! I got him!" Mackie crowed.

"Yes, you did," Ike exclaimed. "Now run upstairs and get me a bag of chips okay?"

Mackie ran off giggling as Ike turned to Taylor who had gotten up and was pacing back and forth a short distance and sucking in deep breaths.

"What was that all about?" he asked pointedly.

"I don’t know," Taylor answered honestly. "Just all of a sudden, I felt like I was smothering."

"Did you remember something?" Ike asked.

Taylor shook his head. "No, just a feeling."

"It’s called a flash back," Ike explained. "I’ve been reading about memory losses caused by trauma. Sometimes the flashbacks make you relive the whole experience again."

Taylor hugged his arms and rubbed down the goosebumps. "I can’t experience it again, if I can’t remember anything," he denied.

"But, it’s a beginning," Ike suggested. "Maybe it’s time for you to see a shrink again."

"No," Taylor responded. "Ike please, just promise me you won’t say anything. Dad has rescheduled everything now and I don’t want to mess things up again."

"Tay, don’t put me in that position," Ike complained.

"What?" Taylor demanded.

"Don’t ask me to lie for you!" Ike exclaimed.

"If you tell, they’ll just make big deal out of nothing!" Taylor claimed.

"I won’t lie," Ike repeated steadfastly. "I won’t volunteer anything, but if Mom or Dad asks I won’t lie to them."

Taylor took a deep breath of relief. "Thanks, bro."

"I’m not doing you any favors," Ike reminded him. "There is nothing wrong with seeing a shrink."

"Then you go see one," Taylor retorted.

"I’m not the one that nuts!" Ike smarted back with a grin and continued to smile as his brother dissolved into laughter.

Ike, Taylor and Zac returned to the music studio the following week. It was a small studio but it was all Walker could get on such short notice. The next week, Taylor would return to the movie set. Phil Montrose was pulling all the players back and assembling his crews. They would work anywhere from five to ten days on the remaining scenes to complete the movie. The schedule was set up as a continuos shoot, no days off until it was completed.

The brothers worked long hours but with no complaints. Taylor felt a little paranoid because he knew his brothers and father was watching him closely. At any sign of fatigue, Walker would suggest that they quit for the day. After two short days of rehearsal, Taylor learned to put on a false facade and pretend he had an abundance of energy.

Ike knew better, so did Zac but they went along with Taylor charade. Sometimes they were the ones who called for a rest period or a break.

Taylor’s fatigue was caused by more than his work schedule. Every night, the nightmares and terror returned. Every night, as he fought his demons in his sleep, Zac was there to wake him up, comfort him and keep his secret.

When Taylor reported to the movie set, they reported as a foursome; he and his brothers and their father. Even though security was more of a visible presence this time, there was no way Walker was going to let any of his sons out of his sight for very long.

Ike was thrilled to be back on the set where he could spend his days as well as most of his evenings with Jenny. Zac followed along because, if his brother were busy, he didn’t have anything better to do. He spent a lot his time with TC up on the camera crane or visiting his friends on the other studio sets.

After the first day of a long parade of visitors, hugging and wishing him well, the set settled down to practical work. The only one missing from the set was Nancy. Her catering crew had already been reassigned to another set. The first couple of days Taylor and Zac slipped out of their own catered lunch and joined Nancy on her set. Eddie found out what they were doing and with a simple phone call resolved the problem. Nancy and Marcy were reassigned and back on their set.

Nancy came in one morning sporting a diamond engagement ring and bubbling over with excitement about her impending marriage. Taylor was a little jealous at first but then she had her fiancée stop by and he couldn’t help but like him. Nancy would always be a good friend. Sometimes it was lonely to be sixteen. Although very interested in girls, he had yet to have his first official date because of lack of opportunity and timing. There was girl from their church back home that he was very interested in but he would have to wait to go home to act on his impulses. It just seemed to him that everyone around him was in love and he wanted to be part of it.

Phil Montrose kept a tight schedule on filming this time. He was already way behind schedule and he was trying very hard to make up for lost time.

Although Taylor was eating everything that got in his path, he had only regained one of his nine lost pounds. Because he was thinner than before, he had to spend extra time in the makeup chair. Every morning he watched as the technicians worked their magic to fill in his hollow cheeks and cover up the dark patches under his eyes. Taylor paid attention because those tricks to cover up the raccoon eyes were becoming useful at home to continue his deception that he was recovering.

Actually, the nightmares were getting worst and so were the panic attacks. He tried very hard to tamper down the feelings of panic but sometimes he would just have to call for a break to get some fresh air. No one thought to much of his self-imposed walks. I had been his habit to do so before, when he needed to walk off some of the tension that built up when he was portraying his character in the movie.

As the shoot schedule narrowed the hours became longer. Taylor was exhausted by the time he returned home. He always hoped that he would be too tired to dream but that was never the case. Poor Zac was also suffering from his nightly vitals. Always a kid that needed a lot of sleep he was almost keeping his brother’s schedule. Taylor would often wake up to find his younger brother crouched up against the wall wrapped up in a blanket. The first couple of times he’d sent Zac back to his own room but Zac was persistent. He would reappear as soon as he thought Taylor was asleep. Finally, Taylor got in the habit of waking him up and just letting Zac crawl into the other side of his bed. Since Taylor had opted for a king size bed in his bedroom in the California house there was plenty of room. It was comforting to know that Zac was close by to stop his nightly terror.

Although Zac went back to sleep after the dreams, Taylor couldn’t. He began to dread and fear sleep. Although he couldn’t remember the details of his dreams he could feel the menace in them. The dreams shook him to his core and he began to become terrified that one day he actually would remember. He wasn’t sure he wanted too.

Taylor would wait until he could hear Zac snoring softly and then he would slip out of bed and retreat either out to the roof or downstairs. The Hollywood Hills house had lousy sound proofing and thin walls so he always had to be quiet. It was a good time to study though, even school subjects were preferably to sleep.

One morning he was up early and he ran smack into Jessica in the dark. Jessica screamed in fright but Taylor covered his sisters mouth quickly and whispered for her to be quiet.

"You scared me!" Jessica exclaimed.

"What are you doing up at five-thirty in the morning?" Taylor demanded.

"Avie was talking in her sleep," Jessica complained. "Plus she snores, awful. What are you doing up?"

"Couldn’t sleep either, I can hear Ike snoring right through the walls," Taylor claimed as an excuse. "Want some hot chocolate/"

Jessica nodded and sat down at the table to watch.

Taylor made the two cups of hot chocolate just the way they liked them, with tons of big fat marshmallows floating on the top and handed her a spoon.

"Follow me, sissy," he ordered. Taylor turned off the house security and opened the patio door, and led his sister outside, past the patio furniture to a bench facing over the back yard and over the Hollywood hills. "The sun will come up right between the Y and the W." he claimed.

Brother and sister sat quietly in the predawn spooning out the sweet marshmallows out of their cups and adding new ones to watch them meltdown and become syrupy. Taylor pointed just as the sun rose and they watched as the first streaks of light highlighted their back yard and then suddenly it was daylight.

"Wow that was cool," Jessica admitted.

"It’s prettier back home," Taylor claimed. "More blues and pinks in the sky. When we get back home we’ll have to watch a sunrise together."

"When do we get to go back home?" Jessica asked.

"Another eight to ten days," Taylor said.

"That’s what Daddy said three weeks ago," Jessica complained softly. "I missed Lindy’s birthday party."

Taylor hugged his sister. "I’m sorry Jes. It must be really hard on you traveling around with us all the time."

"I don’t mind," Jessica said but she dropped her eyes.

Taylor cupped his little sister chin in his hand. "Yes, you do. You know Jes, it’s okay to speak up. Tell us what you want to do. I’m sorry."

Jessica just shrugged.

"Jes, what do you want to do?" Taylor asked suddenly.

"Go home,"

"No I don’t mean that," Taylor exclaimed. "I mean what are you really, really interested in. What do you want to do, or try. You sing, you play the piano beautifully. Do you want to be a musician?"

Jessica shook her head.

"What then, Jes?" Taylor persisted. "Artist, hairdresser, dress designer, what?"

"It doesn’t matter what I want, Tay," Jessica exclaimed.

"Yes, it does," Taylor protested.

"I want to dance," Jessica whispered with her eyes filling up with tears. "But I can’t stay in a school long enough. We keep moving around."

"You want to dance, like tap?" Taylor questioned.

Jessica giggled. "Like ballet. You don’t have to worry about it, I know you hate ballet anyway."

"It’s not my all-time favorite," Taylor admitted. "But, if you’re dancing it, I’ll be right in the front row. If that’s what you want you should go for it."

"How Tay? I go to ballet school at home and I go out here but when you guys go on tour we’re in a different city every day. Ballet isn’t like music. You just can’t pack it up and go."

"Let me think on it," Taylor said.

"It’s okay. I like traveling. I mean how many kids my age have been around the world? Maybe I will become a singer. Keep music in the family."

"Jes, we want you to do what is important to you. We want you to be happy."

"I am happy," Jessica claimed. "Jeez, I’m only eleven. I’ve got lots of time to figure out what I want to do. Besides this way, you guys do all the work, I get all the fun!"

Taylor laughed. "I see your point."

"I’m going in. If you want someone to watch the sun rise with again, you can wake me up," Jessica offered.

"How do you know I watch it?" Taylor asked.

"Everyone knows," Jessica said wisely. "You always get up early, even at home. Now you just get up earlier."

"I guess I don’t keep secrets very well," Taylor mumbled.

"You don’t have to keep secrets, Tay," Jessica exclaimed. "We love you, even if you are weird."

Taylor laughed. "Somehow, in some strange way, that is comforting."

Jessica giggled and went back in the house and Taylor grabbed their cups and followed.

* * * *

Eight days later the entire Hanson family was present at the movie wrap party. It was fun and exciting and at the same time Taylor was just glad it was over. The movie had taken longer than anyone had expected. The actors and actresses were anxious to move on their next projects. Taylor was just glad it was over. He and his brothers and Diana and Walker had been invited to some rush prints of some of some of the movie scenes. Taylor, in spite of everyone’s pleadings had declined. He didn’t like watching himself on TV appearances, he didn’t think he could face the movie yet. He’d decided to baby-sit and he’d sent Jessica in his place. Everyone had returned with glowing reports and he could swear his mother and father were looking at him differently. Everyone in the cast and production had high hopes for the film. Taylor was just praying for a decent showing and not a total fiasco.

The family was very happy that the project was over and everyone was happy that Christopher showed up for the wrap party. The music company wanted to tie the movie to Hanson the group by working out a musical deal to include at least one of their songs on the sound track.

Taylor and Ike had both fought that idea with a head strong determination. Ike thought Taylor’s acting career should stand alone and separate from Hanson the group. He didn’t think the group should try to horn in on his individual accomplishments. Taylor felt exactly the same way but for different reasons. If his acting debut was panned negatively he didn’t want Hanson, the group, and his brothers, taking the rap for something for which he was solely responsible. After lengthy arguments Hanson won out.

"Taylor, I’ve got a really sexy co-star lined up for your next movie," Phil Montrose joked at exactly the wrong moment because his young star choked on his soda.

"Taylor you will come to the private screening won’t you?" Phil asked pounding him on the back.

Taylor nodded. "I’d like to think it’s over, but I’ll be back for the screening and publicity stint."

Phil Montrose laughed out loud. "Such enthusiasm, my reluctant star. You need to get over that, because all hell is going to break loose in November. So you’d better be prepared."

Taylor shrugged. "I’ve got plenty to do between now and then including a vacation."

"Keep next summer open," Phil said. "I’ve got another project in mind. I gave your Dad the script."

‘Next summer we’ll be on tour," Taylor explained with a tight smile.

"We’ll work it out," Phil promised.

* * * *

"One down, one to go," Taylor said stretching out in the backseat of Ike’s car.

"Stanley Rugby is coming to the studio tomorrow," Ike warned.

"Why?" Zac asked.

"Every time he shows up, there is trouble," Taylor commented. "All he’s interested in, is the bottom line."

Ike shrugged. "He’s the company representative. That’s all any of them are interested in. He has a say in what we do."

"He only has a say in the post production and the publicity," Zac said. "We have the creative control."

"Up to a certain point," Ike agreed. "We’ll just have to wait and see."

An ominous thought to end their day. Not that it made a whole lot of difference to their nights. Ike dropped his brothers off and went back out on the a date with Jenny arriving home very late and falling sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. 

Taylor and Zac spent the rest of their evening with their family and went off to bed at their normal time. Taylor stayed up on the computer answering e-mails, he read, he drew. He practiced his sleep delay tactics as long as he could but finally he had to admit defeat and crawl between the sheets. The results were the same. After about an hour’s sleep he woke up drenched in sweat and shaking with cold unknown fear and terror.

Zac was shaking him awake.

"Okay," Taylor whispered. "I’m okay." 

Zac sat up for a few minutes and then he rolled over and collapsed back to sleep. Taylor got up and looked in the mirror. What he saw scared him. His eyes were dull, devoid of feeling. Taylor climbed out on the roof and pondered his own mental decline. He knew he was going crazy. He was falling apart and he was dragging his young brother down with him. It wasn’t fair to Zac. He was just a kid and he needed his rest and he needed to be protected, not to be the protector. Taylor pulled his knees up to his chest, laid his head down on his knees and wrapped his arms around them. He let his silent tears of frustration soak into the fabric of his tee-shirt. 

He heard someone come through the window and he didn’t even look up expecting it to be Zac. It wasn’t though. As soon as Ike put his strong arm around him, he knew. Ike threw a blanket around them and he just held him silently.

Taylor finally looked up. "Thanks, Ike."

Ike reached over and wiped his thumb under his brothers eye. He looked at his brothers darkened eyes and he flipped his thumb over and looked at it.

"No makeup," he said bluntly. "You know Tay, you’re going to flip out if you keep going on like this. You need help."

"I need to remember," Taylor whispered. "But, I can’t."

"Tay, I wish I could help, but I don’t know how," Ike admitted.

"You help," Taylor said. "Hey, the sun is up, I’m gonna go take a shower."

"Don’t forget the makeup," Ike said somewhat wryly.

Taylor smiled grimly and nodded. "Mom and Dad don’t know do they?"

Ike looked at him like he’d suddenly grown two heads. "If Mom knew you were getting by one hour’s sleep a day she’d put your butt in a sling."

"It’s only for a couple more days," Taylor said. "When we go home, it will be better. I’m sure."

"Sure," Ike agreed but he didn’t believe it.

* * * *

Hanson had a terrific morning in the music studio. They were on a creative roll. Maybe it was because they knew that as soon as the last song was in the can they would take a break.

When Stanley Rugby entered the studio Walker joined them. The brothers expected a pitch from the company representative. What they didn’t expect was what he pitched.

Zac’s mouth dropped open. Ike sat absently strumming his guitar that wasn’t plugged in and Taylor just got up and turned his back to the man and starred through the studio glass into the control room.

"Come on guys. Give it a chance," Stanley said encouragingly. "You’re young, good looking. Cut a couple more love songs, get out from behind the instruments and show the girls what you’ve got. A few slick moves, some dance steps, you’ll drive the girls wild."

"No," Ike and Taylor spoke at exactly the same time and Zac’s voice was only a fraction of a second behind them.

"Give this some serious thought," Stanley warned. "You’ll be coming back into a market of boy bands."

"We’re not a boy band," Zac objected.

"We have never been a boy band," Ike agreed.

"Why they even call them bands is a mystery to me," Taylor exclaimed. "That’s an oxy-moron. Most of them aren’t boys. They are grown men posturing sexy moves to little girls, and you have to play something, it would be helpful it was an musical instrument to be part of a band."

"That’s immaterial." Stanley huffed. "That’s the music that’s selling."

"Hip hop and grunze were selling when we broke out before," Ike said. "That didn’t stop our fans."

"I’m going to have to insist," Stanley exclaimed. "My job is to make you marketable."

"We are marketable," Taylor interrupted. "Stop trying to pigeonhole us into some pre-cast image. We are Hanson. We’re growing up and our music will grow and change with us."

"The public expects their icons to remain the same,"

"We’re not icons and we’re not eleven, thirteen and sixteen anymore," Taylor argued. "Our fans aren’t so stupid to think we’d continue to sound the same."

"As a boy band," Stanley started.

"We are not a boy band," Taylor exploded. "If you want a boy band go put an ad in the paper! I’m sure you’ll get thousands of uninspired, interchangeable wantabee’s to respond. You can teach them how to sing, how to dance, how to act and how to speak. If that’s what you want, go for it. I hear Phil Spector has a whole bootcamp of clone groups being put together on an assembly line down in Florida. We are Hanson. Ike, Taylor, Zac. We are originals. We don’t pretend to be like anyone else. You have our demos. We’ll pack up the last one today. You either agree to them or not, but if you don’t that will be a breech of contract on your end. We intend to keep recording weather it’s under your label or not. Maybe we’ll be successful again, maybe not. But, we are not going to change ourselves to meet what you think is some pre-set criteria for stardom. We didn’t get into music to be stars. We got into it for the music. We’re still in it for the music."

"Right on, Tay!" Zac cheered.

"I agree totally," Ike exclaimed. "Go back to the bosses and tell them what Tay said. It might be an eye opener for them to realize that some musicians still believe in the power of real music and creativity."

Stanley Rugby was not a happy man as he left the studio. Walker shook hands with him politely and showed him to the door.

As soon as the door shut, Zac was all over his brother pounding him on the back with excitement. "Man, that was terrific. I didn’t know you had it in you!"

Taylor sank down and sat on a stool because he didn’t think his wobbling knees were going to hold him up. His hands were shaking and he was breathing heavily.

"Tay, are you okay?" Ike asked. "Zac, go get him a cold drink."

Zac left the studio digging change out of his pocket, passing his father in the doorway.

Walker returned to the room to find Taylor with his head down between his knees and shaking uncontrollably. He kneeled down beside his son.

"Tay, what’s wrong?" Walker demanded.

Taylor couldn’t speak. He felt like every breath he took in was being sucked back out of him. There was a terrible pressure in his chest and he through he was having a heart attack. Without warning he slumped over in a dead faint.

"Ike, get me a cold cloth," Walker ordered.

Taylor was only out a few minutes but his passing out had a calming affect on him when he woke up.

It had the opposite effect on Walker. Looking down at his son’s pale white face he was shocked when he’d wiped his face and dark black hollows had appeared under his eyes. 

Taylor struggled up into a sitting position and gratefully swallowed the cold soda Zac offered.

"Sorry, Dad,"

"I’m taking you home," Walker ordered.

"Yeah," Taylor said looking up and meeting his fathers eyes. "I need to go home, Dad. I need to go home real bad. Tulsa, home."

"That’s exactly where you’re going," Walker promised.

Taylor fell sound asleep in the van and they could barely wake him up to get him inside and upstairs to his own bed. He was sleeping the sleep of mental exhaustion.

When they covered him up Walker motioned his sons to leave the room. Zac hesitated not wanting to leave his brother alone with his nightmares.

"What is it?" Walker questioned picking up on the silent language being communicated between his sons.

"Tell him," Ike urged.

"Why don’t you both tell me, and your Mom," Walker suggested motioning his sons to follow him.

"Panic attacks, nightmares, not sleeping, passing out! What else is going on that no one is bothering to tell us about?" Diana demanded.

"He gets up every morning before dawn," Jessica offered from the doorway of the kitchen.

Diana motioned her daughter to join her brothers at the kitchen table.

‘Did it not occur to any of you, that after what Tay has been through that this behavior wasn’t normal?" Walker asked exasperated.

"Of course we knew it not normal," Ike retorted. "But, Tay has a right to deal with it in his own way. I suggested he see a shrink. He thinks he can handle it on his own."

"At sixteen, Taylor may not be the best judge of what’s best for him," Diana explained.

"Mom, he afraid that if he sees a shrink he’ll remember and he’s afraid of what he will remember," Zac explained. "Whatever happened, he’s scared. I’d probably be scared too, if it happened to me."

"This is not going to happen again," Diana snapped. "If I have to put every one of you on a retractable leach, this is not going to happen again."

Ike and Walker were laughing at her response.

"Zac, go on upstairs," Walker suggested. "Be there for him if he needs you. But from now on, none of you are keeping secrets. We’ll leave tomorrow for Tulsa. Your mom and I will talk to Taylor and we’ll see about getting him some help."

"Tay, won’t agree to see a shrink," Zac warned.

"Sometimes it not about what Tay wants," Diana explained gently. "Sometimes it about what is best for him."